


would i make a sound

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor was there when Evan let go, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, waving through a WINDOW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 06:56:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: He didn’t scream. That much he was sure of.But he heard screaming.





	would i make a sound

_On the outside, always looking in_  
Will I ever be more than I've always been?  
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass  
I'm waving through a window 

Evan wasn’t sure how he had found the old apple orchard. He had never gone to it when it was still open but somehow he managed to stumble across it the summer he turned sixteen. For the past year it had been his place to go when the world seemed too heavy on his back. It was abandoned meaning no one else was around. Evan could spend a few hours pretending his responsibilities didn’t exist. 

That’s where he found himself today. 

It was easy for Evan to get lost in the orchard. He’d start off determined to stay on track. He’d observe his surroundings as he wandered further and further until something would inevitably distract him. Generally a tree he hadn’t noticed before. He’d wander over to it, identity, try and guess it’s age, and then find another. And another. Until he had completely lost his way. 

“This is… Fine. I can just, go south? Or do I need to go north. Where is south? This might be east.” 

Evan was aware he was rambling to himself. It was a coping mechanism that didn’t really work unless no one else was around. When no one was around they couldn’t judge him for his inability to form actual sentences in moments of panic. When no one was around he didn’t have to worry about being made fun of for something he couldn’t help. 

But when no one was around he was no longer just lost in the orchard. He was alone and lost. 

Evan looked up and tried to pinpoint his location based on the sun. It wasn’t exactly an easy thing to do. He had quit Cub Scouts before they really got into any of the survival things. 

Something about the thought of having to potentially use them terrified him enough he was able to convince his mom to let him quit. 

He started heading in one direction, hoping for the best. Evan thought that after spending most of the summer working as a junior ranger in the national park he would have gotten better at directions. It was obvious that wasn’t the case. 

Time moved but it felt like he was getting nowhere. Evan swore he had walked past this tree at least three times by now. It was like he was going in a giant circle. Maybe he was. 

“This was a mistake.” 

Evan sat down so he was leaning back against the tree. He was worried. Would he be able to find his way out of the orchard? It wasn’t late. The last he had checked it was only 2:30 but that was still later than he had planned on staying out. He had told his mom he’d be back by four. What if he couldn’t get out? There was no map telling him how to navigate. He couldn’t tell his mom where he was because not only was breaking in illegal but she’d want to look for him and then she’d be lost too. He could tell her he was staying at Jared’s to try and buy some time but then she’d want to call his parents and talk to him later. He couldn’t just not go home. Then she’d call the police and everyone would be looking for him. He’d waste their time all because he wanted to be surrounded by trees. How was he supposed to find his way out when he couldn’t even see? 

Evan looked up. 

The tree he was under was pretty tall. Taller than most of the ones around him. The branches seemed sturdy. Yeah, that could work. 

Evan had always been good at climbing trees. It was a problem when he was younger and his mom worried every time she saw him jumping up from branch to branch. Overtime she had grown used to it, encouraged him even. He appreciated it. Trees were what made him happiest. 

He easily grabbed onto the lowest branch and pulled himself upward. From there it was easy to climb higher and higher. It had been a while since he had climbed with this much freedom.   
Evan could have stopped climbing. He could have gotten his bearings and found his way out, but where the fun be in that? He couldn't remember the last time he had been this happy. 

The sun was warm on his face. He was basking in it’s glow. For once everything seemed okay. There was nothing holding him back. 

Evan wished he could stay here. Away from society. From the pressures of what’s next. 

He heard a snap. 

He felt himself start to fall. 

Evan always had quick reflexes. 

He grabbed onto the branch above and the one he was standing on plummeted to the ground. It had to be at least forty feet. He couldn’t hear it hit the ground. 

_Would I make a sound?_

He hadn’t actively thought of suicide. It crossed his mind a few times but he never thought about doing it. 

There were pros and cons. His mom would be free to take her classes without having to support him through school. His mom wouldn’t have to pay for his medications anymore. She would be able to spend more time with her friends. Really, the only con he could think of was Jared’s parents no longer having a reason to pay his car insurances. 

Evan didn’t leave a note, but that was okay. 

He closed his eyes and let go. 

He hit the ground and his arm went numb. His head hurt. He could feel blood. 

He didn’t scream. That much he was sure of. 

But he heard screaming. 

He couldn’t tell if it was angry yelling or shocked. Evan managed to tilt his head to the side. He saw Connor Murphy standing there. 

Definitely angry yelling. 

Evan closed his eyes again. A nap wouldn’t hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a research paper due thursday
> 
> I have not started said research paper


End file.
